I'll Take One Death Panel Please

I support health care reform. I support health care reform WITH a public option. I wish I could support single payer health care reform but unfortunately it isn't on the table. There you go...that's where I stand. Feel free to move along now if you would like, but I wish you wouldn't. I promise you this isn't a post designed to regale you with facts about how socialist style health care is better. That post is probably coming someday, but I swear it isn't today. This post is about something else.

There are many parts of the current health care debate that frustrate me, but there is one part that is absolutely driving me up a wall. Death Panels. C'mon, you know what I'm referring to. Everyone is talking about them. Plans are being drawn up as we speak to start herding our elderly and infirm into lines for their chosen manner of death as the newly reformed system won't be bothered to pay for them. Death panels are THE thing to be afraid of this week. Surely you don't want to miss out on the panic?

Maybe this issue pisses me off because it has been a difficult year for me. Actually, there is no maybe, I'm sure that's why it makes me so steamed. Allow me to share a piece of my story with you.

About a week before Christmas I received a call at work...the kind of call that every child of an ailing parent knows will come, but is never fully prepared to get. I was told my step-mom was going to die, in fact she was likely going to die in a few hours and we had decisions to make. If you have never been through it, I'm not sure I am capable of conveying the range of emotions that phone call evokes. Shock, sadness and an overwhelming sense of responsibility...no, that doesn't even come close. Do we authorize the use of machines to help her breathe? Do we allow feeding tubes? Do we let her peacefully slip away? It was all our choice.

My step-brother, my aunts and I discussed the situation. We made decisions as I hopped in my car and started driving like a bat out of hell through rain and fog and snow and ice. Thankfully we had prepared ourselves as best as we could for this moment. There were living wills in place and difficult conversations had been had during healthier days. I believe we had as good a grasp on her end-of-life wishes as we could have. Ultimately, we determined the slim chance she still had to recover from this latest crisis was a chance she would want to fight for. Fortunately we were right. She did recover, somewhat, and she let us know that we had made the right choice. Still, even thinking back on it, I can clearly remember how the weight of that afternoon felt. I can't imagine what it would have been like if we hadn't been prepared.

Flash forward to May. Again, the call came. Again, I made the drive. Again, there were decisions to make. Only this time, a different choice was clear. Her body was done. She was done. We supported her choice to refuse dramatic life saving measures. We helped her make phone calls to say goodbye. We brought her foods she had been craving. We arranged for hospice and brought her home. We made her comfortable. We laughed and cried with her until she passed on. These are moments that are so very difficult, yet are also moments to be cherished. We are able to see the parts to cherish because many of the difficult decisions and conversations came long before then. That they did, was a gift.

Sitting down with a loved one and discussing living will wishes and end-of-life care...that my friend is what the "death panels" are referring to. They speak of information resources, counselors trained in going over the issues and explanations of options. They make reference to creating a living will and clearly conveying your wishes to family members who will someday need to enforce those wishes. The "death panels" in the reform bill are to be offered (not mandated) every 5 years or whenever there is a significant change in your health. They are not forced nor are they mandating anything about your care. Don't believe me? Good! Don't listen to me or MSNBC or Fox News. Read it yourself:

Page 424 of the bill. Starts on Line 15.

This is an essential, responsible aspect of planning your life. If you haven't already thought about these issues or had these conversations with your family, do it...now! As uncomfortable as it is, I assure you that it is a gift you are giving them should the need arise.

That anyone, republican or democrat, would twist such an important and sensitive issue in such a hateful and disrespectful way...I don't just disagree with these individuals. I am ashamed of them and disgusted.

Dealing with the final days of a loved one is hard. If that isn't the understatement of the year, I don't know what is. We should do more to educate and empower people to make plans and have the difficult conversations about their wishes. Have your own family death panel soon. Your loved ones will thank you for it.

One man's trash...

Helping out with my Mom's garage sale. It's probably a bad sign when your goal mid-day is to cover the cost of the ads.

Life is short.

Well I am back from Nothern California. As some of you know, a Cousin from my Dad's side of the family has suffered a terrible loss. I won't go into it the details as it isn't my story to share...just remember not to waste a day. Life is too short.

I will share a few pictures from the weekend, though. I have discovered that Sea Ranch and the surrounding areas are truly some of the prettiest parts of the state. I never knew the beaches were that beautiful up there.





We were also lucky enough to be there to see the mother seals and their new pups on the beach. This one was my favorite:



I swear he was smiling.

Finally I spotted the most amazing area in the redwood forrest. I keep searching for some faeries or trolls in this shot:



I'm not feeling my usual sarcastic or flip self so pretty pictures is all you get today. Enjoy.

If you would like to see the rest, they are on Flickr

Benign

That is truly the most beautiful word ever uttered.

For those of you have been following the medical dramas that my family have been experiencing, we received a reprieve today. A wonderful, unexpected, amazing reprieve. Whatever has been growing in my aunt's lymph nodes is actually benign and totally harmless. No cancer, complete false alarm. The past few weeks of waiting were spent contemplating "how bad"...never "if". There are no words to describe how incredible this feels.

As the news sinks in, I am left wondering what lesson I was being given through this whole experience. I believe there were lessons for everyone touched and frightened by this scare, but I think mine is supposed to be perspective. I have spent most of 2006 feeling overwhelmed by all of the chaos around me. There have been a lot of things on my plate this year, but at no point has it been more than I could handle...it just felt that way sometimes. For a fleeting moment, though, I was given a taste of what "more than I could handle" really felt like. It was the most horrible, out-of-control feeling I have ever experienced and that is saying quite a lot. But it wasn't real.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you look back on your life and wish you knew then what you know now? I don't think that very often, I usually like that I was able to experience the prior moments of my life without the burden of the knowledge and experience that I carry with me today. Much of my personal growth has come from flying blind through a new experience and being forced to figure it out. I can appreciate that. This was a rare exception though. More than once over the last few weeks I have wished I could go back and not spend so much time feeling overwhelmed and stressed out by all that was happening. I had no idea then that it could be so much worse so quickly. Well I have been given my gift of a "do over".

I get to go back and know what I know now. I get to deal with the craziness and the challenges with the knowledge that I really can handle it and manage my life and it really will all work out OK. I feel like Scrooge the morning after his ghostly visitors having earned his second chance.

I have learned a little perspective and it feels amazing.

Click your heels three times and say...

...There's no place like Alaska
...There's no place like Alaska
...There's no place like Alaska

I need a vacation and I don't feel like a horrible person for wanting to go away while my family is struggling with all of this health crap.

Welllll... I do feel horrible of course, otherwise I wouldn't have felt the need to say I didn't. The logical part of me knows that I should go and have a good time. Yes, people I care about are sick and facing some tough stuff but I can't change that by sitting around the house feeling badly. I have spent a good portion of my adult life with the sick family cloud hanging over my head and I learned years ago that life can't stop because of it. I do KNOW these things.

Yet the emotional part of me can't imagine going away for a week while all this craziness is going on. I can't help by sitting around being sad, but I don't have to rub it on their face by going off on an adventure that they don't have the luxury of enjoying.

I know I need a break, and I know that I am heading into a long difficult stretch in the months ahead. It is actually a fortunate coincidence that this long planned vacation is falling right in the middle of a lull in the insanity. I should relish an opportunity to get away from it all since it may be a while before it happens again. I just wish I didn't feel so guilty.

I will go, I will have fun, and if I keep saying it enough times I will start to believe it! Right?

Hospitals shouldn't be better decorated than most homes!

Couldn't health care in this country be much cheaper if hospitals didn't pay so much to designers to look like this?

Truth be told, though, there is something comforting about sitting in a beautiful place during a stressful time...I guess I'll just focus on that and not the wasted money.

I Call Uncle...the sequel

Otherwise known as "Don't Screw With Karma"

Anyone who read this, knows I was having a bad day a couple weeks ago...or at least I thought I was. I have since learned that the situation could get much worse. My last remaining healthy relative on my Dad's side of the family was just diagnosed with returning uterine cancer. Looks like I am facing 3 different family members having 3 major surgeries over the course of the next two months. I will also have 2 of them facing extensive cancer treatment and in addition, my Dad still can't be left alone. Did I mention that none of the 3 patients live in the same area, nor do any of them live near me...the closest is over an hour away. Oh and by the way...I'm scheduled to leave for a week in Alaska in a month. Can you say overwhelmed???

Soooo, as for my previous post I would hereby like to apologize to karma for invoking it's name in a mocking manner. Won't happen again. Seriously. I'm really sorry. So am I forgiven? No more bad news? Can I go outside without fear of being struck by lightning, cause I'm kind of hungry?

Joking aside, things are moving along OK on the medical front. The step-mom's breast cancer is small and treatable. Hopefully her health stays stable long enough to effectively do so. The real scare at the moment is the aunt's cancer diagnosis. We are probably a week away from having a real picture as to the extent of what we are dealing with and let me tell you, the dark places for this diagnosis are very bad places to be. We just have to soldier on this week without getting too morbid.

I'm still working on my cancer jokes as the silver lining is becoming ever more elusive.

I Call Uncle!

I don't consider myself much of a complainer. In fact, I think most people who know me think I am pretty upbeat. I'm good at finding the silver lining in most situations. For the rare occasions where the silver linings are just too tough to spot, I'm pretty good at mocking my bad fortune sarcastically and ruthlessly. If I can't make it a positive, I'm sure as hell going to make it funny.

The unthinkable has finally happened though...I've hit my limit. The last 6 months have been filled with hospitals and bad news and airports and disappointing siblings and caretaking and cancelled plans and an evaporating personal life and AAAAAAAH!!!!

I give up. Karma wins. I don't know what I did to piss it off, just tell me what I need to do so it will lay off me a bit. rescue a puppy? feed the homeless? find world peace? Just tell me, it has to be easier than my life right now.

Someone find me a pity-pot...I need to have a seat. I'm too young to be dealing with all of this crap. I should be out having a life and having fun, not worrying constantly and researching medical treatments. I want to be carefree and happy for a little while. I want to be able to make plans that I don't secretly believe will fall through. I want it to be a good thing when the phone rings...not some precurser to more bad news. I don't want to be the strong responsible person anymore. Maybe I'll run away from home...can you run away from home when you own the house? No? Fine then, I'll just stop cleaning it.

....OK, I got that out of my system and feel a little better. I guess it's time to find a way to make my step-mom's breast cancer diagnosis funny because I'm sure not spotting the silver lining here.

I don't want to be a grown up...

When exactly did it happen? When did I stop being my parent's kid and become my parent's caretaker.

I wish I could remember the one clear defining moment, it would be easier. The difficult truth is there isn't one exact moment when the role shifted. If there was, the decisions would be much simpler. The reality is that the role shifts in different ways on a daily basis.

I look at them and in an amazing barrage of feeling and emotion I see both my childhood and my future in their eyes. With one glance I can feel like a 5 year old being reprimanded and in the next I worry what will happen if they find where I hid the car keys.

Do I try to find ways to let them think they are still in control or do I just tell them that I am actually making most of their decisions? Which actually shows them more respect for their dignity? What would I want in their position? It is one of the few questions about myself that I honestly don't know the answer to.

I wonder how aware they are of this dance to which we are trying to figure out the steps. How much of their feelings about all of this do they shield me from? I suspect it is more than I will ever want to know. Deep down, we all hate the dance but we know it is the way it must be. We play our parts because we love each other and there isn't a choice...and once in blue moon life rewards us with one of those ever rarer moments where we forget that the roles have shifted.

The Moms in my Life.

There is nothing like the word "Cancer" to get you thinking.

I grew up in a very small, close-knit school. Everyone knew everyone and parents were involved. The thing about that kind of environment is that everyone's mom becomes your mom. The moms were always at field trips or planning special activities. They were cleaning our cuts when we fell down and they were scolding us when we did wrong. They were helping us set up tents on campouts and at night after the kids were in sleeping bags, they were playing cards and having a cup of wine by the fire. Sure we could joke around with them, but we ALWAYS respected them. As a kid, it never crossed my mind that their word carried less weight than my own mom.

What hadn't occurred to me until recently was the amazing place that these moms still hold in my life as an adult. Sure I saw them and said hello just like I did with all of the other adults who knew me as a kid, but subconsciously I knew they were different. When they ask how I'm doing and hear about my successes, I can see the pride in their eyes. When they think I am making mistakes in my life, they kindly tell me why...and it never feels like they are overstepping their bounds. When I tell them the rare tea they are drinking smells good, they don't just tell me where they got it...they bring me a box. And when they get sick...I care. Not just in the old "Oh how sad, she's a nice lady" way, I really care.

It is such a cliche that you don't appreciate the blessings in your life until you envision them gone. I never realized how fortunate I was to grow up with such an amazing group of moms around who cared for me and provided me wonderful examples of the kind of woman I could become. I am even more fortunate to still know them. I wish there was some way to tell them how much I appreciate them but I'm guessing that like my own mom, deep down they already know.